"LOST" Spoof
Short, 5-page skit
I originally wrote this almost a year ago, before the explosion in the hatch... but thought it was still entertaining anyway.
LOST: LOVE IS IN THE AIR
INT. HATCH - DAY
CLAIRE sits in front of the computer, holding her baby
(bundle of blankets) with one arm as she types.
KATE enters the room.
KATE
I'm here to take over the shift.
CLAIRE
(Australian accent)
Hi, Kate. I don't mind staying.
KATE
What are you doing?
Kate leans to read the computer screen.
KATE
IslandHop.com?
CLAIRE
The men on this island are either wimps
or drug addicts.
(gestures to baby)
I have to think about the future. None
of the men are fit to be a father to
this little one. Flight 815 was like
the loser plane.
Kate points to the screen.
KATE
Some of the guys on here don't look
bad.
CLAIRE
But here's the big decision: do I tell
them I have a baby? And can I count on
someone here to babysit?
KATE
Perhaps I should test the waters -- see
if the site is all it's hyped up to be.
CLAIRE
Would you?
Claire stands so that Kate can take her place at the
computer.
KATE
You just write a profile, right?
Kate types. Claire begins to read Kate's typing aloud.
CLAIRE
I enjoy long walks on the beach -- oh,
Kate, that's so cliche! -- and animals
of all types... I am soft-spoken and
cuddly. Soft-spoken? Cuddly??
KATE
It's what they want to hear. I can't do
this if you're going to breathe down my
neck.
CLAIRE
Fine. We'll get some fresh air and
check back when you're done.
Claire leaves.
KATE
(muttering)
Looking for a man who makes an
effort...
INT. HATCH - DAY - LATER
Claire returns.
CLAIRE
Any luck?
KATE
(proud)
I have a date with... William.
CLAIRE
He's cute. But wait -- is that a
strawberry tattoo on his arm?
KATE
He has an appreciation for food. He's a
personal chef!
CLAIRE
Ooh! He'll probably take you someplace
lovely then.
KATE
I better get ready. He's picking me up
at seven!
EXT. SANDY BEACH - DAY
JACK and SAWYER sit on the sand and clean fish.
SAWYER
I'm sick of fish.
JACK
Be happy you're alive.
Kate's date, WILLIAM, approaches. He wears a shirt with
long sleeves or a jacket.
WILLIAM
Excuse me--
Jack stands up, defensive.
JACK
Who are you?
WILLIAM
My name's William, I--
SAWYER
You're from the back of the plane,
aren't you?
WILLIAM
Back of the plane?
SAWYER
Where've you been hiding?
WILLIAM
I'm not...
JACK
I don't remember seeing him on the
plane. Even the back.
SAWYER
No one ever mentioned a William.
Jack and Sawyer both look at William -- slow and
suspicious.
JACK
What do you want?
WILLIAM
I'm only--
Sawyers starts to tackle him. Jack joins in, until Claire
runs up, still clutching baby.
CLAIRE
You guys! Stop!
JACK
He's one of the others!
CLAIRE
No, he's not! He's Kate's date.
Jack lets go of William immediately, Sawyer reluctantly
after a moment.
JACK
(pouty face)
Date?
WILLIAM
As I tried to tell you.
CLAIRE
(to William)
She'll be right out.
Jack and Sawyer sit down again. William perches nearby.
SAWYER
(sighs)
What I wouldn't give for a steak
sandwich.
JACK
A slice of pizza.
(reluctantly, to William)
You?
WILLIAM
Huh? Some mac and cheese, I guess?
Sawyer looks exasperated. He hands William a small knife,
then tosses him a fish.
SAWYER
Here. Make yourself useful.
William seems grossed out by the fish. He holds the knife
awkwardly, not sure what to do. Sawyer tosses him a piece
of fruit instead.
SAWYER
Peel something, then?
William is still unsure.
SAWYER
Forget it.
Kate enters. She looks around, then her eyes fall upon
William.
WILLIAM
Kate?
KATE
You look different from your picture.
Sawyer rolls his eyes.
WILLIAM
Let's go!
Jack stands and takes Kate aside, holding her shoulder.
JACK
Kate?
Dramatic pause between them.
JACK
Nothing. Be careful.
EXT. SANDY BEACH - LATER
Jack, Sawyer, Claire (clutching baby) sit.
SAWYER
I don't like him.
JACK
What's there to like?
SAWYER
Did you see how he squirmed? Couldn't
even fathom a dead fish. Too lazy to
chop a piece of fruit.
CLAIRE
What are you saying? The guy's a chef.
SAWYER
A chef of what?
JACK
He couldn't even hold a knife.
Claire is wide-eyed, worried.
CLAIRE
Did he have a tattoo -- a strawberry --
on his forearm?
JACK
Couldn't say.
SAWYER
Do you think Kate's okay?
JACK
I'm going to find out.
Jack picks up a knife.
JACK
Claire? Show me where she found this
guy.
EXT. HILL - NIGHT
Kate and William hike. He carries a picnic basket, pulls
Kate along.
KATE
This is a fine area.
WILLIAM
A little further.
KATE
I just can't wait to see what you've
brought for our picnic.
William finally sits down. So does Kate. He opens the
basket and takes out a box. Kate's face falls.
KATE
Ritz Crackers. Wow. Yum. Don't tell me
the next course is cheese whiz.
WILLIAM
You know?
KATE
So! Tell me more about yourself.
WILLIAM
I really prefer solitude.
Kate turns away. Suddenly Jack runs up.
JACK
Kate!
KATE
What are you doing here?
JACK
You're in trouble -- he's not who he
says he is!
KATE
What?
JACK
Claire and I looked him up. He's still
married and he's on the run from the
law. And he's not a chef. Never was.
KATE
(gasps)
Not a chef?
JACK
(to William)
Get away from her!
KATE
Is it... true?
WILLIAM
Okay, okay! I manufacture temporary
tattoos. But no one wants to hear that.
KATE
I can't see you anymore.
William picks up the picnic basket and storms off.
JACK
I thought you were in serious danger.
Why are you on IslandHop.com when I'm
right here?
Dramatic pause -- they almost kiss.
KATE
Wait. We can't get together.
JACK
Why not?
KATE
We have at least three seasons left.
There are hours of pining ahead of us.
Jack frowns.
KATE
You could always try
StrandedAndSearching.com.
THE END.